Try, Try Again

Three days before my period was supposed to start, I took a pregnancy test. And just like the four months before this one, the tiny window read "not pregnant." I tried to suck it up.  I did a good job until I was getting ready for bed. That's when it hit me. Usually it was while we were eating dinner, but this month I made it until I was brushing my teeth. That's when I started crying.

As I got into bed I took a pad of paper out my my bedside table and scribbled into my notebook.

Of all the things in life, I wrote, I thought that trying to get pregnant would be fun. But like other things I've thought this about, like buying a house, the process is emotionally exhausting. After five months of trying and taking tests, it looks like we'll have to wait and see what the sixth month has in store. It's confusing to think that this is so easy for so many other people. It seems like everyone accidentally gets pregnant and yet here I am feeling completely miserable after getting another negative result. I wish I could be upbeat and say that there is always next month, but it's hard when, deep down, you feel like something isn't quite right. What's harder is knowing that you can't get help until you've been trying for a year. Twelve whole months! And, of course, if we don't conceive next time around then we won't have a baby at all this year. 

We had Chinese food for dinner the next night. I'm an emotional eater so when something goes wrong, you can pretty much guarantee that I'm going to be eating something comforting, fatty, and otherwise delicious. My fortune cookie that night read, "HAPPY EVENTS WILL TAKE PLACE SHORTLY IN YOUR HOME." Yeah right, I thought, but kept the fortune anyways in hopes that I would get pregnant soon - the happy event that I had been waiting for.