(Not So) Happy Events: Part II

"Officially" being pregnant lasted about four days. I was at work when I noticed spotting.  I thought, "hey, this could be normal. I've read about this." But on the inside, I was frantic. I immediately headed home and did some research. I knew there was nothing a doctor could do for me, so I decided to just hope for the best and park my butt on the couch.  As the night went on, though, I knew that things weren't going to work out. 

As I got ready for work the next morning, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to call the advice nurse to see what Kaiser had to say.  As expected, the woman stated that bleeding can be normal and not to worry.  She scheduled an appointment for me later in the morning and told me to relax until then. 

When I got to the doctor, they immediately requested a urine sample. The nurse tested it right in front of me. One line. Things weren't looking so good.  While she asked me questions and entered my responses into the computer I was fighting back tears. She kept checking the test to see if a second line had appeared. It never did. 

The nurse practitioner entered the room and I had to re-tell my story: last Saturday... 3 tests... 2 different brands... spotting yesterday... blood today.  And I hoped that she was listening, but I'm not so sure she was.  She did an ultrasound on me and stated that if I was pregnant then she would be able to see something.  But, as I knew by that point, there was nothing to see. I started crying. Her reaction was, "oh, you're really upset by this, aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm upset! We've been trying for five months."

"Five months isn't that long."

"It feels like it is when YOU'RE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT." (I didn't really yell at her, of course, but I can't emphasize enough that when you're trying to get pregnant, five months feels like A LONG TIME. I know people try for longer and I WILL BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.  No one needs to tell me that other women have it worse. I do know that. I know some people never get pregnant. I am very well aware. Thank you.)

"Well, I can't really explain what happened, but maybe your pregnancy test came from a bad batch."

"I took three pregnancy tests. Two were First Response. I bought them from Raley's. I took the first one first thing in the morning. I took the second one in the afternoon.  The third one was Clear Blue Digital. I bought it from Target. I took it in the evening. I took a pregnancy test a few days before and it was negative. But on this day, I had THREE POSITIVE TESTS."

"Oh," she said. "Well... (long pause) It's amazing to think how many people actually get pregnant since pregnancy is such a complicated process. It may be that the pregnancy, if you were pregnant, just didn't take. 19% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester. Probably a lot of women get pregnant and don't even know it. All the while they're thinking their period is late, but then this happens and they were none the wiser. One way we can know if you were pregnant is if we do a blood test. You would still have an elevated hCG level."

The nurse practitioner gave me the impression that she didn't really think this option was necessary and I agreed.  If I wasn't pregnant anymore then I didn't really care to know my hCG level. I knew I had three positive tests. Even if they were home pregnancy tests, which they seemed to scoff at, I knew I had never had a positive test in my life and all of a sudden I have three in one day. So, naturally, I went to my parent's house and cried. (Did I mention that Nick and I told both of our parents I was pregnant two days earlier? Fabulous timing!)

While I was at my parent's house, the nurse practitioner called me. She said that she had been discussing my case with a doctor and the doctor felt that I should go into the lab and get a blood test.  She stated that while my test (singular - since they don't listen) may have been a false positive, it might have been that their test was a false negative. She said that she would call in the lab and I could go whenever I wanted.  I went right away.  

The next day the nurse practitioner emailed me and said that I was not not-pregnant. Get it? She didn't say that I was pregnant. She said that I was not not-pregnant. My hCG level was right over the threshold. So I was pregnant, but just barely. If that even makes sense. But I guess it does since I had been bleeding for over 24 hours by the time I had my blood drawn. She said that she wanted me to go in the following week and get tested again. She said that, based on what was happening, she believed my hCG level would be in the not pregnant range by then.  

She was right. A week later, my hCG level was under 5 mIU/ml.

So there. That's my story. Can I just say that, as far as I knew, only two people read this blog: my mom and dear friend, Sheri. I wrote this to help me deal with what was going on. I'm normally a very private person. Not many people knew that we were even trying. I'm sure a lot of people didn't even know that we wanted kids. In fact, someone at work - in response to someone else asking me when I was going to have kids - said, "some people are baby people and some people are dog people."  And I'm like, "I AM BOTH OF THOSE PEOPLE. I am not JUST a dog person. I JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT." It's not something we talk about. But, here I am talking about it. On the internet. I'm really putting it out there. Not because I want the whole world to know, but because it's an outlet for me. And my mom likes to read my writing because she is biased and thinks that I am brilliant. 

Anyhow, if you've read this far, it's probably because you love me. And I love you too. And I want you to know that I am okay (and Nick is okay too since he is a man). It's not something I'm dwelling on.  I've gotten all my tears out (I think) and I am just trying to move on and move forward. One of my New Year's resolutions was to live more in the moment. So even though we're trying to get pregnant, I'm trying not to hang onto the "what ifs" or live for the future. I'm okay and that is all anyone really needs to know.