Philosophical Friday

Lately I've been pondering the question of whether or not I'm meant to have kids. Like, why, after 12 months of actively trying to conceive paired with 2.5 years of being off birth control, am I not pregnant? It's a very hard pill to swallow. So one day while I'm in the shower, I ask myself this question: am I just not meant to have kids? Immediately, the idea of essence preceding existence pops into my head.

I'm not religious, at all. I grew up Methodist and enjoyed going to church with my family. I got to go to Sunday school and learn some cool songs like "Jesus Loves Me" and "This Little Light of Mine." My brother and I even got to cut each other's hair in the basement of our church when we were little. Albeit, cutting of thy brother's hair wasn't a church sanctioned event so much as it was an impromptu ceremony to christen a pair of Fiskars scissors.

At some point we stopped attending church services every Sunday, and as I got older I developed a distaste for organized religion. That's not true, exactly. I became disheartened by the hypocrisy associated with certain religions; religions sometimes claim they love everyone yet their love is conditional. I understand that it's not the religion, per se, it's the religious fanatics, the radicals, who spew hatred in the name of God. That's why I identify so much with the Dalai Lama's quote, "My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

In any case, someone who is religious would probably say that if it's in God's plan, I will get pregnant. They would say that I need to trust in His timing. Someone who is evil would surely comment that I am not pregnant because I'm not a good Christian and don't deserve a gift from Him. And everyone is entitled to their opinion. But it's true that I don't believe that my life is pre-determined. I believe that existence precedes essence. My inner conflict is not between me and my faith in God, it's between me and my body.

And therein lies the problem. Is my body warning me that it can't handle a pregnancy? Or... OR... am I so close to a nervous breakdown from this ridiculous process, from people asking when we're going to have kids, from people telling us that it'll happen when we stop trying that I'm entertaining thoughts that most people never stop to consider? Seriously, you guys, you would not wish infertility on your worst enemy. It's such a mind fuck. I mean I'm even thinking about seeing this guy:



Source
He cures and solves everything! Anyhow, those are just my thoughts on infertility at this stage in the game. Things could be much worse. The glass is always half full.