I am alive.
I should back up. About a month ago I started a blog post and never published it. It went something like this:
I've been in the mother-of-all-funks lately.
I have no desire to take care of myself. I have no desire to take care of my house. It's anyone's guess how I still manage to wear clean underwear on a daily basis. I'm sad all the time. I think I do a good job of hiding it, though. I am on the verge of tears all day, every day.
I usually cry on my way home from work. I have a somewhat lengthy commute home, so I have a lot of time to think about things. Music makes me cry. Don't even play This Year's Love by David Gray or I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz in my presence. It won't be pretty. I tried to start reading A Stolen Life by Jaycee Lee Dugard during my lunch break today. I had to stop at the dust jacket, because, you know, bawling uncontrollably at work is not all it's cracked up to be.
You can see why I didn't publish it. My mom would have taken it as a giant cry for help and would have called me in two seconds flat. Besides, I never finished it, so there's that, too.
In any case, I told myself today that I AM ALIVE. I might not be able to have babies and as soul-crushing as that may be, at least I am alive.
I am alive and can experience all the good things life has to offer. We've lost a few loved ones in the recent months. They can no longer spend time with their loved ones. They can no longer see their loved ones grow and flourish. They can no longer take advantage of all of the good things life has to offer. And here I am taking my life for granted.
Changing my thinking is not going to be automatic. Not knowing if we will ever have kids, with odds that are so stacked against us, is still devastating in a way most people will never be able to comprehend. I still cry easily. It's a very sensitive topic for me.
But if I can remind myself of this, of the fact that I am alive, I hope that it will be easier for me to cope and easier for me to enjoy all the good things.
Sara I am so happy you are writing again. I think it will help you feel better to get your feelings out and others may be helped who are going through the same thing that you are and only you and they can understand how it feels. But you are right, you have so many good things going on in your life and there are many wonderful things to come. You should never stop hoping. Hope is like a blue sky after the rain. I love you most!
ReplyDeleteHave you read Agorafabulous by Sara Benincasa? You would love it. That's only vaguely related to what you've said, though.
ReplyDeleteI hope talking about how you're feeling right now makes the weight of it a little lighter. As someone who has basically watched an entire year go by with VERY little feeling that I've participated in it at all, I can say that the times that have hurt less than the others are when I've just word-vomited how I'm feeling out to people I love and trust. Therapy has helped, too. It's amazing how much you say when you're paying someone to listen to it. :-)
I'll plan a trip down to Sacramento sometime in the next few months, and we can tell each other about the really hard things. I love you!
Mom, thanks and I love you too <3 - xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSheri, I'll have to add that book to my list. It sounds fabulous :) Thanks for your kind words and insight. I'm glad you have people to talk to and find therapy helpful. I've considered in on many occasions and have never gone through with it. I had a brief session with a health psychologist (?) when I was experiencing anxiety during my last semester at Sac State. Basically, all I did was cry in front of a stranger, but let me tell you, when I left I felt like I had a weight lifted off my shoulders. I think it's nice to be able to talk to someone who is neutral. I think I'll have to look into it...
If you come to Sac, please let me know. I'd love to see you!!! I love you, too!
No worthy comment, just wanted to thank you for posting this. I am glad I have a way to keep up since I am not very good at the phone. Miss being able to talk to you at work.
ReplyDeleteEvery comment is worthy (unless you're an asshole). I miss seeing you everyday! I hope you're doing well :)
ReplyDelete