My Religion is Simple: How Not to Brine a Turkey

I've never made a turkey before, but my first experience with brining a turkey has been just divine.

There I am at the Nugget Market and I spot a turkey brine and herb kit. Divine, I say to myself, just divine. That's what I'll do. I will brine the turkey. And then what will happen tomorrow when I cook it? I don't know, but at least I have the first step down: brine the turkey.

I'm a freaking wiz when it comes to following directions, so I start right in.

1. Empty four quarts of warm water into the brine bag.

I quickly google for a cups to quarts conversion, and I'm on my way (1 cup = .25 quarts). I start shlepping heaping cups of water over to the brine bag. Man, this brining is so simple.

Wait a minute. What's this? This picture shows the brine bag and turkey stuffed inside some sort of deep, rectangular Tupperware. Funny, I didn't see anywhere on the kit that said a giant turkey-sized Tupperware was required, but OK. I look all over the kitchen knowing full well that there is nothing in our cupboards that even remotely resembles the container they picture in the brine instructions. And then it dawns on me. Yes, that thingy that we use to wash our dishes in when we go camping. That'd be perfect. I go into the garage and move 3 boxes and a turkey deep fryer out of my way, dig through our camping bin and extract a plastic container that will work just fine.

2. Add entire contents of turkey brine mix into brine bag and stir.

Dude, does it get any easier?

3. Add four additional quarts of warm water and mix in.

Sweet. I got this. I'm a much better cook than anyone even knows.

4. Place turkey in brine.

I get the turkey out of the fridge. Did I mention I've never made a turkey before? Over these last 29 (wink, wink) years of being a lady, though, I've gleaned one thing about cooking a turkey: it's innards must be removed. I reach in and find the neck. And blood. But no giblets. Where are the freaking giblets? Did they stop putting giblets in turkeys? Maybe this particular brand doesn't come with giblets? I pull the turkey wrapping out of the trash can to see if it says anything about giblets. It makes no mention of anything giblet-related. I google about missing giblets. On a discussion board someone mentions that she accidently cooked the giblets inside the bag that was stuffed into the neck of the turkey and didn't realize it until the turkey was cooked and was being carved. I go back to the turkey and rotate it to find the neck cavity. Jackpot. I pull out a bag of giblets.

I rinse off the turkey and maneuver it into the brine bag.

Then something ugly happens. I don't know how or why, but for some reason I let go of the top of the bag. It folds over, dumping a good two quarts of the brine onto my counter top which flows down to the floor like Niagara Falls. Noooooooooooooooooooooo and a whole bunch of curse words. Turkey juice everywhere. Bacteria everywhere.

I manage to get it together enough to zip lock the freaking bag and stick a chip clip on it cuz I'm weird like that. And then I proceed to disinfect my whole kitchen.