Unsolved Mysteries

Diagnosis: unexplained infertility.

Yep, sperms are good, lady parts are good, eggs are good, blood work is good. We're just a very, very mysterious couple, that's all.

We have a 5% chance per cycle of conceiving on our own, a 5% chance per cycle of conceiving with IUI (intrauterine insemination aka artificial insemination), a 6 to 8% chance per cycle of conceiving with IUI in conjunction with Chlomid, a 8 to 10% (don't quote me) chance per cycle of conceiving with hCG injections, and, like, a 50% chance of conceiving with IVF (in vitro fertilization) per round (<-- $12k to $15k per round)!

So the odds are in our favor!!! (<-- sarcasm)

If anyone says, "at least nothing is wrong with you," I'll give you a mean noogie and dunk your head in the toilet. And then flush it.

Seriously.

And then I'll punch you in the privates and gouge your eyes out with a screw driver.

The only other thing I can think of that would be more annoying than telling a couple with unexplained infertility, "at least nothing is wrong with you," is telling them, "there's always adoption." Because, chances are, this person has no idea how difficult or how expensive adoption is. I'm just kidding. It wouldn't be more annoying, just equally annoying.

But there is one good thing from our visit!!! (<-- no sarcasm)

We found out that there's actually a term for what happened to me back in March. I had a biochemical pregnancy. I'm straight flabbergasted that I was made to feel like a fucking idiot at Kaiser when it happened and here, 8 months later, our fertility doctor offers up the term right when we sit down to meet with him.

Doctor: "So you had a biochemical pregnancy earlier this year."

Me: "???"

Doctor: "Back in March when you had that positive pregnancy test."

Me: "Oh? Oh! OMG! A biochemical pregnancy!?! That's fantastic!!! And it was three positive pregnancy tests, by the way." And a positive blood test, ahem.

So that is where we're at, fertility fan club. Thanks for listening.  I'm restricting comments from this one. I hope you understand. But I will leave you with a random photo of crab fries.